Your Weekly Horoscope. It’s in the Stars….
Aries: (March 21 – April 19):
You were the answer to a prayer. Your parents prayed that the world would be made to suffer and here you came along. When you go to see a haunted house they offer you a job. The only place you’re ever invited is outside.
Taurus: (April 20 – May 20):
You will never be able to live down to your reputation! You’re so ugly, when you walk into taco bell, EVERYONE runs for the border! You are very kind to animals so please give that face back to the gorilla. Luckily for you, stupidity isn’t painful.
Gemini: (May 21 – June 20):
Your conversation is like the waves of the sea. It makes everyone sick! You were an exceptionally ugly baby. You had tinted windows on your incubator. You changed your mind! But what did you do with the diaper? What you lack in intelligence, you more than make up for in stupidity.
Cancer: (June 21 – July 22):
Your family tree is good but you are the sap. You’re the best at all you do – and all you do is make people hate you. Moonlight becomes you – total darkness even more! You are living proof that manure can grow legs and walk.
Leo: (July 23 – August 22):
Your mouth is getting too big for your muzzle. Yours is a prima facie case of ugliness. And your body is ugly too. No one will ever know that you’ve had a lobotomy, if you wear a wig to hide the scars and learn to control the slobbering.
Virgo: (August 23 – September 22):
Your verbosity is exceeded only by your stupidity. Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental! People can’t say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority! You are not as bad as people say – you are worse!
Libra: (September 23 – October 22):
You’re a habit people like to kick; with both feet. Some day you will find yourself – and wish you hadn’t. You are the kind of person who, when one first meets you, one doesn’t like you. But when one gets to know you better, one hates you. Weds: Excellent time to become a missing person.
Scorpio: (October 23 – November 21):
You’re acquitting yourself in a way that no jury ever would. You’d steal the straw from your mother’s kennel. Talk is cheap, but so are you. You grow on people – like a wart! You have a face only a mother could love – and she hates it!
Sagittarius: (November 22 – December 21):
You’re like one of those “idiot savants,” except without the “savant” part. You have that faraway look. The farther you get, the better you look. There is no vaccine against stupidity. You have a good weapon against muggers – your face! You have an inferiority complex – and it’s fully justified.
Capricorn: (December 22 – January 19):
You’re nobody’s fool. Let’s see if we can get someone to adopt you. You’re the first in your family born without a tail. Space is a dangerous place . . . especially if it’s between your ears! You must have a low opinion of people if you think they’re your equals.
Aquarius: (January 20 – February 18):
You’re not yourself this week. People notice the improvement immediately. People don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works! You started at the bottom – and it’s been downhill ever since. Space is a dangerous place . . . especially if it’s between your ears!
Pisces: (February 19 – March 20):
You’re so dumb you thought Taco Bell was a phone company. Don’t turn the other cheek. It’s just as ugly. They say truth is stranger than fiction. Look, your mother gave birth to you. You should have been born in the Dark Ages; you look terrible in the light.
