Your Weekly Horoscopes – by Jean Topascani (April 21 – 27)
Aries: (March 21 – April 19):
Attractive, but wall-eyed Libra seems to be staring at you. Neptune in 8th house prompts sudden job–related travel to exotic locale with plenty of money. Avoid extradition. “I can’t wait any longer!” is something you will shout through a random keyhole at 3 a.m. later this week in a motel that is rented by the half hour.
Taurus: (April 20 – May 20):
The planets Moon, Mercury and Neptune are afflicted. Also, the 6th, 8th and 12th houses have played a role. One misfortune follows another but persistence can give the illusion that you are not a total moron. The three most common elements in your body are hydrogen, oxygen and stupidity. Smile today; tomorrow will be worse.
Gemini: (May 21 – June 20):
New lover’s table manners will remind you of the practices of certain cannibalistic tribes in New Guinea that consume meat stew with dried apricots and couscous. Eating a lot this week may supply much-needed nutrients. Awkward picture of you with fire hose and boots is posted on internet. Wed. Finish long overdue sewing project.
Cancer: (June 21 – July 22):
Polar square brings discipline needed to stick to all-pasta diet, as seen on Oprah. Mercury brings new wardrobe caused by sudden weight gain. You will experience happiness and success in every area of your life, unless there is something irreversibly wrong with you, which is likely. Fri: Two words: fat pants.
Leo: (July 23 – August 22):
You meet an attractive Aries with round, maroon cheeks, who gazes into your eyes and notices infestation of eyelash mites, tiny deodicids burrowing into your follicles eating the greasy sebum, each female laying up to 25 eggs in a single follicle, causing inflammation. You finally realize there are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
Virgo: (August 23 – September 22):
The stars reveal you will get an unexpected visit from the vice squad. The two lesser charges will be dropped. The voices in your head return singing an old tune by the Shirelles. Throw out pens that don’t work. Fri am: A “Corpulent ” person will sit on your lap.
Libra: (September 23 – October 22):
You finally learn that being mean is what makes you happy. Do the world a favor: Wear a burgundy nightgown, to get the color combination right. Then hold .45 against head; When cold steel touches temple, pull the hair-trigger. The funny thing about next Monday won’t seem funny to you. LOL.
Scorpio: (October 23 – November 21):
Halitosis works magic. New trailer park lover describes your kiss as similar to a sea barnacle; your breath like wet feet marinated with the fat of ham hocks– salty and delicious. Years of backbreaking work and “brown-nosing” finally pay off when your manager, walking hurriedly down the hallway, nods faintly in your general direction.
Sagittarius: (November 22 – December 21):
Capricorn in 11th house. Your new lover, who you told you were single, and your spouse arrive at Denny’s at the same time. Moons Over My Hammy overdone. Nickels fished out of a public fountain provide main source of income for you. At home, your goldfish jumps out of tank and does break dance on carpet.
Capricorn: (December 22 – January 19):
Love troubles clear up when gracious Gemini, with warm smile and toothy dentures, invites you to spend the night. While you’ll never really understand, accept, or tolerate homosexuality, it’s admirable that it hasn’t stopped you from having sex with people of your own gender. AM: Apply sunscreen when lying on beach for more than eight hours.
Aquarius: (January 20 – February 18):
Ugliness, combined with innocent mistake, proves troublesome as your smiling, ear to ear picture, posted sideways, is flagged on Facebook as friends report you as “mooning” camera. Solitude in 7th house indicates people around you finally appreciate intelligence in someone so ugly. Sat pm: Finger food does not include human fingers.
Pisces: (February 19 – March 20):
Major achievements, new friends, and a new way to make a lot of money are coming to a lot of people this week, but you will not be one of them. You will meet a passionate and tender Taurus built like a ’70 Dodge pickup (with that “Adventurer” styling package) with busted headlights, a bumper knocked loose and tailgate dragging. Keep spare tire in the trunk for quick getaway. You’ll need it.
