It’s in the Stars: Your Weekly Horoscope: July 21- July 27
Aries: (March 21 – April 19):
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but no one has to use their eyes to see your stupid. When shoplifting, avoid stealing purple bathing suit. It will reveal unflattering dimple. High appeal to the opposite gender. Fun to be around. Very caring. This doesn’t sound like you, and the stars can do nothing to change it.
Taurus: (April 20 – May 20):
Spreading lies about friends may give you extra pleasure this week. Co-workers think you had too much Botox. You finally realize that taking drugs is neither smart nor savvy. However, selling drugs is. Begin at once. You will have ample reason to exclaim this week: “Nobody makes a good deodorant.”
Gemini: (May 21 – June 20):
Next time, write your pick-up lines before you order tequila. Your lucky horse for today is: Silent Flash. This week you’ll become displeased to discover you are known among co-workers as “goat face.” You will come face to face with your worst fears this week after standing in front of a bathroom mirror. Your first instinct will be to run.
Cancer: (June 21 – July 22):
A skydiving accident may befall you if you go skydiving. Return home to Poland at the earliest opportunity. A bat wielding Capricorn will provide answer to lingering question, “What is it about me that makes people want to beat me with a baseball bat?” Your taste for loud music may cause you to incur an unfortunate accident.
Leo: (July 23 – August 22):
Just because people laugh at you doesn’t make you a comedian. Consider swimming the English Channel. Lover breaks up with you and the writes sequel to Milton, called “Paradise Regained.” People regard you as dense, but you never notice. Everything has its place, and yours is on the floor scrubbing.
Virgo: (August 23 – September 22):
If you lose money today you can be assured that the nature of human kindness will mean you never see it again. The widow of an African political leader will offer you $10m sometime this week by email. Laxative proves effective, but spoils hot tub party.
Libra: (September 23 – October 22):
Forget about wanting people’s respect; what you really need is their cold, hard cash. Try not to do too much speaking or walking or living. An attractive member of the opposite sex is secretly laughing at you. Encouraging news on Tuesday will turn out to be false.
Scorpio: (October 23 – November 21):
Buy a friend a beer and steal his wallet while he isn’t looking. Try to figure out why people often say, “If I throw a stick, will you leave?” Be enthusiastic about the success of others, since you will have none yourself. Rely on outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot of trouble.
Sagittarius: (November 22 – December 21):
Surprise your family by doing something productive. You will be torn away from friends and cast out of the only home you’ve ever known, now that your prison sentence is over. A short trip is in the stars, possibly to the bathroom. A personal-injury attorney with a warm smile will advertise on a billboard not far from your home.
Capricorn: (December 22 – January 19):
Date night goes horribly wrong when your sweetie wants to be spanked, and you send a note home to the parents because you don’t believe in corporal punishment. Your talents as a musician come to the fore when several recognize you as skilled at playing the liar. AM: Monday: Nose appears to grow longer.
Aquarius: (January 20 – February 18):
Things seem pretty crappy right now, but look at the bright side: you can always make some extra cash selling fertilizer. The stars indicate that if you eat regularly and take restful sleep, it will be healthful. PM: Brush your tongue.
Pisces: (February 19 – March 20):
Either invest in some drapes for your windows, or declare your place as a haunted house and charge everyone five bucks for the show. Unlike Socrates, who was smart and died from an overdose of hemlock, you are stupid and will likely die from an overdose of wedlock.
