It’s in the Stars: Your Weekly Horoscope: July 6 – July 13

Aries: (March 21 – April 19):

Your heart was a frozen block of ice, scarred by the skate blades of broken relationships, until new lover comes along and like a beautiful Zamboni floods your heart with warmth, scrapes away the ugly slushy bits, and dumps them in the empty parking lot of his soul. Fire is a hazard you won’t want to ignore this week. Insure everything for 125% of original cost.

Taurus: (April 20 – May 20):

You will meet a 39-year-old tax attorney and sufferer of severe lactophobia, the tragic result of having been abandoned in an empty milk bottle carrier as an infant. Sat: You’re drunk but not too drunk to read off your 16-digit credit card number and security code.
Throw away clocks that don’t work.

Gemini: (May 21 – June 20):

A feline type, but unattractive, is drawn to you like a yellow cat to navy blue pants. Weds. Am: You will take an around the world cruise. Fri: Pm: Sharks circle your leaking life raft like a pack of rabid personal-injury attorneys at a five-car pileup, and you will taste the fear (which tastes like chicken) and wonder morbidly if you too, might taste like chicken.
Your parents grew up in a small village where you met an elderly couple who later died.

Cancer: (June 21 – July 22):

A car accident awaits you in the coming week, which is unfortunate, as it’s the kind that involves too many Mountain Dews and not enough gas stations.
Standing there powdering your nose, which is a bit large for your face, you remind others of a slice of pizza whose point curled up after a night in the refrigerator.
Saturday PM: Love is in the air, but not for you.

Leo: (July 23 – August 22):

Sat: You never did see the truck and the red light, the last thing you will see is a plus-size girl in a petite ensemble, giving her the appearance of a marshmallow tightly wrapped in dental floss.  Tues: Bad dairy could cause embarrassing abdominal discomfort. Proceed with EXTREME CAUTION.

Virgo: (August 23 – September 22):

You have more daddy issues than Boy’s Life magazine published in the late 1970s. At a bar when a certain person sidles up next to you, you feel fuzzy all over, kind of like dark blue corduroys get when they’re matted with yellow cat hair. Weds: Order an extra shot of espresso in your grande non-fat sugar free one pump raspberry syrup two pumps vanilla syrup soy latte. Do not get whip cream.

 

Libra: (September 23 – October 22):

Your equestrian lover broke horses – not in the same way you broke your mother’s china, nor the way you broke the outhouse door, not even the way your lover broke your heart, which is surprising since one would think breaking a horse and breaking up with an ass would be similar.
Drink alcohol instead of milk.

Scorpio: (October 23 – November 21):

Yours is a prima facie case of ugliness. And your body is ugly too. You are a perfect match for Donald whose personality is vaguely sticky, like the outside of a squeezable honey container or anything handled by a three-year-old.  You were the answer to a prayer. Your parents prayed that the world would be made to suffer and here you came along. Mon. AM: You learn why co-workers call you Pinocchio.

Sagittarius: (November 22 – December 21):

Love affair becomes fruity. It wasn’t sour grapes – you know your parents just plum disapprove of your Kiwi lover; try as you might to explain that the love between you is all peachy you might as well have been comparing apples to oranges, so although you are bananas for your lover, and the ring was certainly no lemon, you are forced to reply to “Honey, do you?” with a mournful “You know I just can’t elope.” AM: Sunday: Hobbies good for emotional well being. But make sure life insurance is current.
Mon: Avoid fungal toenail infections.

Capricorn: (December 22 – January 19):

ou are a mermaid equally at home on land and water because of your dual-membrane lungs. Even though you brush your teeth, your date can still smell garlicky breath. You’re so ugly, when you walk into taco bell, EVERYONE runs for the border! You’re the best at all you do – and all you do is make people hate you.
Tues. pm: You should wear sensible shoes, but no, your vanity will not allow it!

Aquarius: (January 20 – February 18):

You are a Pop Tart kind of person, but your new lover always eats four Aunt Jemima pancakes with Land o’ Lakes unsalted butter and Mrs. Butterworth’s maple syrup, so you should never marry because of your differences, but you can still fool around.
Tues: Try to impress attractive waitress with your poetic artistic sensibilities by asking for a pastrami sandwich on rye with heartbreak, onions, and ennui on it, wrapped to go in the soul of a sheep.

 

Pisces: (February 19 – March 20):

Your overdue corporate mcbump from shift supervisor to assistant manager is delayed when you’re fired at MacDonald’s. Your new love comes upon you completely by surprise — like when you’re looking into your rearview and side mirrors to decide whether it’s feasible to switch into the passing lane and you think you’re in the clear, but then you find yourself utterly sideswiped.
Sat. You have a drink in your hand and a hole in your heart.
Sun. am: Let your Rotweilers enjoy a feast and hope the forensic investigators won’t find any traces of DNA in the back yard.