It’s in the Stars: Your Weekly Horoscope: Jan 28 – Feb 3
Aries: (March 21 – April 19):
There are only two things people dislike about you – your face. There is no vaccine against stupidity. You are so ugly when you were born the doctor said, ‘I’m gonna drop it, if it falls it’s a rat, if it flies it’s a bat.’
Taurus: (April 20 – May 20):
Skeletor called, he wants his face back. The sign of the bull quite literally describes you since you are literally full of bull. To put it in a nutshell, people think you’re nuts. There was an accident years ago. The accident wasn’t on a highway, but in your mom’s bedroom.
Gemini: (May 21 – June 20):
You overhear people say while looking at you ‘Someone please kill this thing with fire.’ Love is in the air this weekend. Buy an air freshener. You are paralyzed from the neck up. Place warning label on your forehead. Your mom sent you back to the hospital for a refund.
Cancer: (June 21 – July 22):
At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people – you are obnoxious in a different and worse way! Place signs on both ears saying ‘Space for Rent. You are always helpful when people don’t need you to be. What died on your neck? Oh, it’s your head.
Leo: (July 23 – August 22):
Your head whistles in a cross wind. Romance is in the air today, just over the north of France. Turn a blind eye and a deaf ear to people’s red eyes and constant laughter.People think your parents are the best comedy team? ….they made the biggest joke!
Virgo: (August 23 – September 22):
Is that your nose or are you eating a banana? They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none. Wear ugly sweaters to distract people from seeing your face. You lied, you said you were ugly, you’re not, you’re hideous.
Libra: (September 23 – October 22):
They say truth is stranger than fiction. Look, your mother gave birth to you. An attractive member of the opposite sex is secretly laughing at you. Go to a bar, drink a lot, then get tattoo. Mirrors can’t talk and lucky for you they can’t laugh either!
Scorpio: (October 23 – November 21):
Don’t feel bad. A lot of people have no talent! What you lack in intelligence, you more than make up for in stupidity. Don’t inhale. Not marijuana, but air. By some strange chance, are your parents cousins? You’re the reason God created the middle finger.
Sagittarius: (November 22 – December 21):
Don’t turn the other cheek. It’s just as ugly. In the dictionary under your picture is a new word, ‘vomitrocious.’ Your halitosis improves. Safely move within 16 feet when speaking to people. If stupidity was a disease, you would be dead right now. Can you turn around people would like to see your face… wait, that’s not your ass?
Capricorn: (December 22 – January 19):
You are quite ugly! But you were even uglier when younger. That is putting it tenderly. Laser hair removal may help distinguish your back from your hair. Don’t know why you bother with makeup, nothing could fix that mess. You were so ugly as a kid your parents had put a pork chop round your neck so the dog would play with you.
Aquarius: (January 20 – February 18):
You’re not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be! Forget about dieting. Face, ears, ALL need to be hatcheted off your body before anyone will care whether you are skinny or fat. If you’re so attractive, why does everyone run away from you yelling ‘It’s a yeti!’
Pisces: (February 19 – March 20):
People worship the ground that awaits you. While you don’t believe you have the face of a horse, how is it that people keep holding sugar cubes in front of you? You learn that being mean is what makes you happy. People want to help you out, but they can’t figure out which way you came in.
