Niagara Falls Jokes
What do Mayor Dyster and a Corona have in common? They’re both empty from the neck up!
***
Paul Dyster says, “I’m not an alcoholic! I only drink twice a year: on my birthday, and when it’s not my birthday.”
***
To save money at City Hall, Mayor Dyster decided that he was going to start reading and responding to his own emails, something he had previously delegated to Nick Melson. So he sits down at the computer with Melson, who suggests that the mayor choose a password that is at least eight characters long. “What would Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs do?” asked Dyster.
***
Mayor Dyster was crossing the border into Canada, and the customs officer asked him, ‘Have you anything to declare?” Dyster said, “I have nothing to declare but my genius.” So the customs officer replied, “I’ll put that down as nothing then.”
***
One of Mayor Dyster’s favorite activities this time of year is ice fishing, and he likes to try out different locations. Last week he hauled his gear out on the ice and began to saw a hole through it. All of a sudden, he hears a voice. “There are no fish under the ice!” He ignores it and moves to another area, cuts a hole, and tosses his line in. Again, Dyster hears the booming voice: “There are no fish under the ice!”
“No, this is the rink manager!”
***
A high roller stops a man outside of the casino. He says, “Hey buddy, can you give me $5,000?”
The man asks, “What for?”
The high roller says, “My mother needs an operation to regain her eyesight.”
The man asks, “How do I know you won’t just take this money and spend it at the casino?”
The high roller says, “Oh, I got gambling money …”
***
Paul Dyster said, “I drank so much wine last night, at Wine on Third Street, that when I walked across the dance floor to get another glass, I won the dance competition.”
***
Mayor Dyster made a poetic inspiration metaphor to explain perseverance, and I quote, “you’re riding a horse at full speed, there is a giraffe beside you, and you are being chased by a lion, what do you do? Get your drunk ass off the carousel!”
***
Mayor Dyster stumbles into the front door of a bar and the bartender says, “no Mayor you’re already drunk.”
A few minutes later Mayor Dyster climbs in through the bathroom and tries to order a drink, but the bartender says, “no Mayor, you’re still drunk.”
Five minutes after that Mayor Dyster comes in through the back door, but is caught again by the bartender who refuses him a drink.
Mayor Dyster stops, scratches his head, and says to himself, “this is the third place to tell me I’m drunk so it must be true.”
***
Councilman Tompkins asks Mayor Dyster, “what are you going to be for Halloween, Paul?” Mayor Dyster responds, “drunk.”
***
“I’m a beer enthusiast, the more beer I drink the more enthusiastic I get,” said Mayor Dyster.
***
There is no question that Chris Voccio spent more time going door to door in his campaign for Councilman. He was very persistent; hardly ever taking no for an answer. One time he had a particularly cross person who said, “I would rather vote for the devil than you.” Voccio, always a calculating person, responded, saying, “well in the event that your friend does not run, would you consider voting for me?”
***
Mayor Dyster took a stray cat home to his wife. “See , here is the monkey of the jungle,” said Paul. Becky said, “that’s a cat.” Paul replied to Becky, “excuse me! I was talking to the cat.”
***
Paul Dyster walks into his own beer store in Tonawanda and says, “fifteen quarts of beer please.” The clerk says, “did you bring a container for this?” He says, “you’re looking at it.”
***
Paul Dyster was driving down the streets of Niagara Falls when the police stopped him. When the policeman opened the door Dyster fell out. “You’re drunk,” said the officer. “Thank God for that,” said Dyster, “I thought the steering had gone.”
***
To save money at City Hall, Mayor Dyster decided that he was going to start reading and responding to his own emails, something he had previously delegated to Nick Melson. So he sits down at the computer with Melson, who suggests that the mayor choose a password that is at least eight characters long. “What would Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs do?” asked Dyster.
***
Mayor Dyster was crossing the border into Canada, and the customs officer asked him, ‘Have you anything to declare?” Dyster said, “I have nothing to declare but my genius.” So the customs officer replied, “I’ll put that down as nothing then.”
***
One of Mayor Dyster’s favorite activities this time of year is ice fishing, and he likes to try out different locations. Last week he hauled his gear out on the ice and began to saw a hole through it. All of a sudden, he hears a voice. “There are no fish under the ice!” He ignores it and moves to another area, cuts a hole, and tosses his line in. Again, Dyster hears the booming voice: “There are no fish under the ice!”
“No, this is the rink manager!”
***
A high roller stops a man outside of the casino. He says, “Hey buddy, can you give me $5,000?”
The man asks, “What for?”
The high roller says, “My mother needs an operation to regain her eyesight.”
The man asks, “How do I know you won’t just take this money and spend it at the casino?”
The high roller says, “Oh, I got gambling money …”
***
A businessman drops in on Mayor Dyster at City Hall to request tax breaks so he could set up a medical marijuana dispensary in one of the many vacant buildings that are up and down Third Street in the tourism district.
Dyster explained he couldn’t do that. “Sorry, why don’t you ask Lewiston,” he suggests.
“That’s too bad, Mayor,” said the disconsolate man as he was leaving. “There was going to be a thousand dollar campaign contribution.”
Dyster stopped him: “Explain to me again how cannabis cures dandruff…”
