It’s in the Stars: Your Weekly Horoscope: Jan 21-28

Aries: (March 21 – April 19):
Time to up the medication. The problem with your gene pool is that there’s no lifeguard. You shouldn’t play hide and seek, no one would look for you. Why don’t you shut up and give that hole in your face a chance to heal?

Taurus: (April 20 – May 20):

Set aside special time to humiliate yourself in public. You lack the power of conversation but not the power of speech. You may not have any enemies, but your friends don’t really like you either.  You’re a light eater alright. As soon as it gets light, you start eating.

Gemini: (May 21 – June 20):

People like you. You remind them of when they were young and stupid. People will ask you to get Off their planet! It looks like your face caught on fire and someone tried to put it out with a hammer.

Cancer: (June 21 – July 22):

You validate people’s inherent mistrust of strangers. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. There’s only one problem with your face, people can see it. Just reminding you there is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.

Leo: (July 23 – August 22):

People will try to be nicer if you’ll try being smarter. You’re so famous every policeman knows you. You’re not funny, but your life, now that’s a joke. Yeah you’re pretty, pretty stupid. People can explain it to you, but they can’t understand it for you.

Virgo: (August 23 – September 22):
You are really easy to get along with once people learn to worship you. Check eBay and see if they have a life for sale. You have a face only a mother could love – and she hates it! You have a very sympathetic face. It has everyone’s sympathy.

Libra: (September 23 – October 22):

People can see your point, but still think you’re full of it. Someone could warm up to you if you were cremated together. People wish you no harm, but they feel it would have been much better if you had never lived.

Scorpio: (October 23 – November 21):
Any connection between your reality and other people is purely coincidental. Lots of people could love working for you – if they were graver diggers. People would like to kick you in the teeth, but that would be an improvement!

Sagittarius: (November 22 – December 21):
People are not being rude. You’re just insignificant. You’re so ugly, when your mom dropped you off at school she got a fine for littering. Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you? . The only way you will ever hear any good about yourself is to talk to yourself.

Capricorn: (December 22 – January 19):
You’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off. Two wrongs don’t make a right, take your parents as an example. Don’t feel sad, Frankenstein was ugly too. . Go apologize to your mother for not being a stillborn.

Aquarius: (January 20 – February 18):
You look as if you had been poured into your clothes and had forgotten to say “when.” You’re so ugly, when you popped out the doctor said “Aww what a treasure” and your mom said “Yeah, lets bury it.” You do realize makeup isn’t going to fix your stupidity?

Pisces: (February 19 – March 20):

The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist. You bring everyone a lot of joy, when you leave the room.  You’re so ugly, when you got robbed, the robbers made you wear their masks.